I posted a little dig at insecurity, so, of course, insecurity strikes.
I was awoken this morning by a dream. It was very vivid.
I was preaching in a church where I normally preach. It was raining outside. I knew every face sitting in the pews. I was preaching on a text that had something to do with the devil. I think it may have been 1 Peter 5:8, because I know I mentioned him as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour at least a couple of times.
I was preaching with all my might. In the sermon I was calling the people to diligence in fighting to guard their hearts. I remember several pithy little lines I used in the dream-sermon that I have never used, or even heard, before. I remember near the end of the sermon I made the point that we should be willing to crawl to, and in, heaven rather than run to, and in, hell. ‘Sometimes in the Christian life,’ I said, ‘it seems as though we are crawling, barely moving forward, while those around us are running. Be content to keep crawling so long as you are crawling toward heaven. Those who are running have no idea what they are running toward. They may be running toward a cliff.’
As I said these words, people began to get up and leave. The words of ‘Children go where I send thee’ came into my dreaming mind as I saw the people departing in groups of various sizes. And as I watched each person get up and leave I would only get more dejected.
By the end, there were only 10 or so people left and one of them, who happens to be an elder in one of the churches I serve, actually made a comment about it. ‘Looks like everybody’s leaving,’ he said. ‘You’re right,’ I replied, ‘I guess I’ll just stop preaching.’ With those words, everyone else got up and left. And there was still a baptism to be performed in the dream-service. I said to the elder, ‘I wish they knew how hard I worked on that sermon for them.’ He chuckled and moved on.
The doors were opened, I could hear, and see, the rain coming down. I awoke with a start. And behold, it was a dream. I couldn’t lay in bed. My mind was racing with various conflicting ideas. My brain was buzzing. I got up and started writing, and here I am. What shall I say to these things?
First, I am reminded of the words of another preacher:
Ecclesiastes 5:3 ¶ Just as dreams come when there are many cares, so the rash vow of a fool occurs when there are many words.
I had a rough week with many cares. I went to bed really tired. I’m still tired. It shouldn’t surprise me that dreams come. Does it mean anything? Probably not.
I remember preaching through the book of Daniel years ago and noting that not all dreams have true spiritual significance in the biblical sense. I think, perhaps, often dreams are the result of being overly tired or having spicy food too close to bedtime. But that’s not always the case, as the book of Daniel proves. Alas, however, I am no Daniel. Despite my attempts at amateur psycho-analysis, alas, I am not an interpreter of dreams.
But, I must say, the dream encapsulates my biggest insecurity – I am always afraid that no one is listening.
I also remember years ago having two different preachers recount their own dreams to me. They were preaching to giant crowds. People were weeping and coming forward like water coming out of a bucket. In their dreams they were changing lives by the hundreds. I remember Martyn Lloyd-Jones writing the comment (though the exact source eludes me at the moment) that he felt he had only really preached something like two or three times in his life, and that at least one of those times was in a dream. But as for me, I can’t even preach in my dreams. They’re leaving by the boatloads instead of coming.
How then will I respond? I will remember that my God is not a fortune cookie. He does not say to me, ‘Dream big today.’ He does not say to me, ‘Follow your dreams.’ Rather he bids me cast myself, and my cares, upon my Savior. He bids me to believe. He bids me to trust his Word that he is faithful and that ultimately none of this really depends on me. I can say with David, ‘As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!’ (Ps. 40:17). What shall I do? ‘I will arise and go to Jesus. He will embrace me in his arms. In the arms of my dear Savior, Oh, there are ten thousand charms.’
My dreams are the dreams of an insecure preacher. But my Savior is a rock. Cleft for me.
I think most of us are insecure. Otherwise, we wouldn’t covet what others think so much. I know we are supposed to be only concerned with what the LORD says, but it’s good to have the affirmation from others now and then.
Preach on.
Thank you Timothy, you have always been a big encouragement to me. I have had so many positive people around me over the years, and probably more now than ever, but when you are faced with the task of caring for people souls it is absolutely overwhelming. You either have to simply not care about the state of the souls of your people, or you have to constantly being crying out to God for grace to trust him and rely on him more (I’ll take the second). If I were relying on myself I would have been checked into a mental institution a few years ago. And I just can’t quit, that’s why I trust that God is at work in me.